i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My feet surprised me
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
