Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
