I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
