Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
