Midget sex pt 2 tonight
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Randomize
