i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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