I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
