It was confusing and full of hummus
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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