I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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