She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
