I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.