i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
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They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
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Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO