You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person