see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The uberlube is also flammable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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