going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
