I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Bring me that man meat
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
