I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
