My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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