I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
there is puke in my bra ... again
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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