The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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