I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
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College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
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Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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