Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
