btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
