I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Your shirt... Was in my pants
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
