I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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