i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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