She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
