Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize