You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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