if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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