I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
