booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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