when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
