I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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