If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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