I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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