Apparently you make a good broom.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
