He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
