This dress was meant to end up on your floor
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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