I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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