Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i came on her dog
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
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