hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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