I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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