Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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