Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
do nipples grow back?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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