He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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