Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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