just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
