The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.