we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS