Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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