She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
