Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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