i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
