Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize